Sunday, February 5, 2012

The ugly truth about Uggs

Allow me to explain why I hate Uggs. 

I know, I know. You're thinking, "She can't be serious. Everyone wears Uggs. She's going to offend people." If I truly cared about offending people with my opinions (especially about a pair of shoes), I would rarely open my mouth, and I wouldn't be the product of my sassy set of parents. I can assure you that I am not the milkman's baby. I repeat: allow me to explain why I hate Uggs. I clarify: I do not think people who wear Uggs have no fashion sense, nor do I always judge the person who's sporting them. I simply wish the trend would end.

1. Uggs flatter NO woman's feet. In fact, they make every woman look like she has bear paws, not dainty, feminine feet. I do not care how small your feet are; your feet still look like mammoth deformities dangling from your calves. Why on earth would you want to wear shoes that make you look like Ronald McDonald's wife? I'm confused.

2. If you're already clumsy, Uggs do not lend you grace. In fact, they trip you. All. the. time. I am walking behind you and laughing wondering how you're not unleashing a set of curse words on the inanimate objects sheltering your feet because you're wearing shoes that make jumping on a pogo stick look easy. Walking into oncoming traffic seems like a safer option. (Admittedly, by the end of the day, I have mysterious bruises all over my legs; I do not need to wear deceptively "comfortable" shoes to help me run into more student desks.)

I know what you're thinking again: "can't you make the same argument about heels?" I would have to agree. You're right. Heels can send a girl flying, BUT she'll look damn cute as she soars through the air. If she's wearing heels, she'll make a delicate "tink" when she meets the floor. If she's wearing Uggs, she'll make an ungraceful "thunk" as she smashes into the ground.

3. Far too many girls who wear Uggs do not pick up their feet when they walk, so every time these girls move their feet, it sounds like someone is rearranging furniture. If the shoes that you're wearing prevent you from lifting your feet, you might want to consider new footwear. (Every day you're shufflin'. Do do do do do do do.) What happens if someone steals your purse and runs away? I'll tell you what happens: you hope to God that you stashed no embarrassing photos in that purse because it will never be yours again. Good luck when those pictures of you sporting your uncle's mustache and toupee leak to Facebook. Thank your Uggs.

4. Maybe I wouldn't loathe Uggs so much if more girls who wore Uggs dressed them up in some way, any way. But no. What do they (not all of them, mind you) do? They stuff their oversized, MC Hammer-style, tacky, tie-dye sweatpants into the tops of their worn out Ugglies. Half of the time, they're even too lazy to stuff both pant legs into their boots, so they LL Cool J it and let one pant leg fall to their ankles. Not sexy. If you possessed no desire to attract men, then congratulations. Mission accomplished. I understand that you're tired, sick, whatever, but how difficult is it to at least pair your boots with a cute sweater dress and leggings/jeggings/skinny jeans? (Note: if you are pairing your boots with leggings, please ensure that said leggings are not diaphanous and paired with a short top. Only opaque leggings here, ladies.)
Pam Anderson is adorable, but why not wear tennis shoes when you walk your dog?
5. Not that heels are good for your feet, but many of you women act like Uggs are sooo comfortable and soooo good for your feet. Balderdash. I've seen far too many of you nearly twist your ankles in those death traps, and they're not even three inches from the ground. You're level with the ground and still nearly dismembering yourself as you try to walk down a stairwell. It's as if the moment your foot slips into those puppies your ankles turn to Jell-o and you lose all control of your feet. Caution: you are not a weeble wobble, which means you can and will fall down. One of my co-workers suffered a stroke, and her doctor made her stop wearing Uggs for this very reason.

I cannot justify spending a sweat-inducing amount of money on a pair of deceptively comfortable, unflattering, face-breaking shoes that make me sound like Quasimodo skulking down the hallway.

I am aware that a very rare few can make Uggs look presentable and even cute, and I am also aware that I'm "picking on" Uggs. However, I feel entitled to this unpopular opinion because, as a teacher, I have to watch my teenage students pair these what could possibly be less hideous boots with a litany of offensive outfit combinations. When you dress like a slob, you often feel like one.

Enjoy some of the following pictures with uncensored captions.

Cute outfit. She's trying to dress up the Uggs, but look at the back of the boots. Do you see how they are smushed and decidedly unsafe? I know they make her whip her hair back and forth, but she's one step closer to whipping her face into the concrete. 

Okay, so it appears that she is cute no matter what. I still think a different pair of shoes would be more flattering, but she makes them work. I guess.

All of these outfits are so cute, but they lose all of their shape by their feet. With their piggy banks, couldn't they afford a sleek pair of Frye boots to complement their outfits? As for you Jennifer Aniston, I thought better of you. I thought better of you.

Moral of the story? Save the money that you would be spending on Uggs and buy yourself a furry kitten to curl up on your feet. As far as I know, Uggs can't purr.

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